Stop competing, Start dancing!

The truth hurts, or so they say.

We don’t particularly like it.

 

We don’t particularly want to hear it

and we like owning up to our truths even less.

Truths are uncomfortable; we get all squirmy and irritable.

They reflect something about us, that we usually don’t want to see.

They change us,

They have a great way of changing everything,

and they are always here to stay.  

Yet, somewhere inside we already knew.

That niggle, that itch, that knowing that things were off.

That sense that there is something that you’re not quite getting

There, but you can’t quite see it.

Then that thing that you couldn’t quite see, becomes clear and hits you at full speed,

out of nowhere, knocking you flat, smack on your arse with a great dose of clarity.

Yep, that’s truth.  

Now what’s my truth, you ask?

What truth did I see?

to so greatly unsettle me?

Gabby Bernstein and her beautiful lecture on relationship truth.

A lecture on repeated behavioural patterns in families.  

Behavioural patterns picked up through childhood, that stay with us on a never ending

cycle of repeat all throughout our lives.   

I listened with interest, but not fully aware.

I couldn’t quite grasp it, it stayed just out of reach.

Addictions, relationship addictions, behaviour addictions… yeah ok, but, nah

…. Not quite getting it.

nothings really jumping out at me here.

So I let it absorb and process for a while

Let’s give it a week.

Just wait.  There’s more.

A course in miracles states that “no one can fail who seeks to reach the truth” and I

was seeking. 

I was asking, I just wasn’t sure of exactly what.

Then Wham!

Freight train, full speed out of nowhere and I’m flat on my arse with a full dose of

clarity.

Some truths are so vivid that inside we feel the shatter.

The illusion breaks open and truth say “Hi”

Now for the truth.  

The full uncomfortable, belly squirming truth.

I’m addicted to competition.

I’m a competition junkie

and I compete with just about everything.

Yep, that truth is really pretty.

Gotta love owning up to that one.  

Let me explain how I came to see this truth of mine.

I love Zumba. 

I regularly attend on a Tuesday night.

I even have my very own favourite spot – front and centre.

Tonight it was hot, sweaty and crowded.

I had a lovely mid teens bouncy and energetic girl beside me. 

She truly loved her Zumba too.

We danced, we shook out our moves and we had fun.   

Something inside me niggled.

I kept watching her, matching pace with her and this driving factor wouldn’t let up.

Go harder, be better, no matter what, be the best.…. huh 

Lead the way, go better, more, more… I have to be better than you…. Niggle

No matter what, I’m going to be better than you….. wham!

Freight trains at full speed, destination…. me

A little voice inside of me, looked me straight in the eye and said, almost pleadingly.  

“stop competing and start dancing” ……. Please.

Freight train to nowhere… smash.

There it was, front, right and bloody centre.  In all its uncomfortable glory.

Competition

Behavioural patterns running on endless repeat, picked up in childhood, passed down

through families…… Familiar addictions…..

wham  …..  That seriously hurts.  

Yep, I’m addicted to competition.  

I have to compete, there is a part of me that is always in competition. 

Competition for attention. Always

Competing with something or someone, somehow.  

Competing for love, affection and self-worth.

Our whole family is one big pattern of competition,

Generation after generation on repeat.

Clarity and truth often come with a great big dose of Fuck.

Competition, competition, competition, my whole life, and my whole family summed

up in one bloody word.

Competition and a full no stops barred dose of Clarity   

I’m an addict.  I’m a competition addict. 

Truth, yep,

Uncomfortable. Yep.

Squirming yet, greatly.

Irritated – maybe.

Now what?

The best bit.

Seeing it

Because only once we see something can it be healed.

Fully knowing it, fully owning it.  Fully taking responsibility and changing it.

Consciously letting it go

12 step program anyone?

and the most loving road to recovery.