"Yesterday I was a Dancer"

 

I wanted to start this post with the bold, gorgeous, dreams fulfilled title -  “I am a Dancer”,  - but the truth is “yesterday, I was a dancer.”  Today, Today I am not more or less, I am simply….. being. 

In many ways dancing was my beginning.   The very u-turn I needed to start the journey home to myself.   The permission space perfectly suited to allowing myself to heal, to let go and to welcome growth.  Dancing challenged every part of my being; it challenged my thinking, my beliefs, my perception, my body, my desires and my very idea of self.   It allowed me space to dream, to follow my dream and succeed. It was my own personalised vehicle specifically designed to break old patterns, grow in self confidence and pick up the broken pieces of my once shattered self belief.  Dancing was and will always be my healer.  A love and passion felt in the very depths of my being, intrinsic and whole. A most beautiful, feminine, natural and flowing part of me.

Dancing taught me that my body is my most natural, patient and loving teacher.   A new way to receiving and seeing myself.  Years previously I had only thought of my body as something to be trained, overcome, controlled, shaped, pushed and in a most unloving way punished.  Dance taught me love, respect and self acceptance. Dance showed me how to connect to my body and to listen to her.  To listen and awaken to her natural rhythms, to feel, flow and communicate.  To journey within, to allow and to follow the natural voice of wisdom flowing within all of us.  

Most recently that very internal wisdom that dance awaked in me began asking me to let go of the very healer that brought me here.  To allow dance to naturally leave my life, at least for now, and to let go of the egoic dreams of trophies, competitions and success.  The message was loud, clear and precise, “you have all that you need” 

It asked me to relax and to stop clinging to the vehicle, to allow and trust the natural flow of life. To allow change and to follow the internal desire to explore further self expression.  To write, to heal even deeper, to sing, to meditate and to try something new.  Get out there girl, and grow.

Change, is like a big black hole that hangs over us.   Why do we so desperately fear it? Why do we cling to things we know as if our very existence depends upon it? Am I any less because I no longer have it? Is my value any different to what it was yesterday?  Dance taught me to value change, to want it and to accept it as part of the natural process, yet when guided to leave dance, I cling to the edges afraid of attempting to fly.

We are born to this world embracing change.  Yet somewhere along the way we change.    We become fearful of the unknown, we cling to what has become comfortable, regular and known.   When does this natural inquisitiveness and the complete acceptance of change fade away?

In truth we are change, we are changing in every second of every day and so too is everything around us.  I like to think of change as the natural creative flow of the universe, creating in every fraction of every measurable piece of a moment.  Change is our natural state of being, we are constantly creating, we are constantly changing. We are change.  So here goes  - “Yesterday I was a dancer, today, today I am change.” Today I am simply allowing, embracing and surrendering.  Allowing my inner voice to guide the way.  Today I jump, today I surrender:  wings – show me what you’ve got.

 

#HeSaidNo

 Let’s admit it, as girls, we grow up with fairy-tale dreams.  As the mother of a seven-year-old daughter, I know, it starts young.   Books, stories, barbies, movies, merchandise, dress ups and mainstream media all foster ever-growing images of our own fairy tales.  To walk down the aisle in our very own princess dress, while prince charming waits adoringly at the altar, lost in the miracle of her beauty, they join hands and….. boom, magic happens.  Forever and ever and ever and ever, after.

Yesterday, I dreamed my very own fairy-tale dreams of a wedding. Of dresses, sunshine, beaches, holidays and happily ever after.  Before moving on, I need to set the picture – I’m a 37-year-old mum of two gorgeous children.  My husband …um correction, (partner) and I have been together for all of 13 years and are blissfully happy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.    Marriage has always been something that I would get to one day, a bit like my washing pile.  Something I would like to do, just other things always take a higher priority.   Not to mention that weddings always make me emotional and who could be bothered with that much organising?  Over the Christmas holidays, something changed, I started to ask myself “why not?”, “why not get married?’, “what are you waiting for girl?”, “the kids would love us to get married?” , that smooth self-talk that hooks you in and I started to imagine the perfect way that I could propose to him.   I even went as far as buying a token ring and planned to ask him with the children for his birthday.  

Now that everything is planned, I’m feeling confident, if uncomfortable and a bit yucky in the tummy, yesterday I dreamed.   I dreamed of who I would ask to stand with me, of my dress, of the perfect beach and the setting.  Who, and mostly who, I wouldn’t invite and the moment when he said “yes”.  I even had the hashtag and the Facebook post all worked out.   There would be an endless stream of ‘about time’ and ‘finally’ messages to reply to all night.   You get the picture…. The dream took on a dream of its own.   

I’m very much a heart person, and in some ways it didn’t feel right, like that niggle that annoys you and won’t go away.  I believe in universal guidance and intuition and I dedicate myself to spiritual growth and something told me this was off.  Late in the afternoon, in passing I happened to mention my proposal plan to a friend who in her wisdom gave me beautiful advice – “what if he says no?  you need to prepare yourself for that”

Absorbing her words, I felt that she was right, that my whole hair brained idea that I had spun around proposing, didn’t match our relationship, or the natural bond between us.   It wasn’t our beautiful free flowing relationship and had never been.   Following that guidance, I choose to sit quietly with him and tell him of my idea and what I had planned and the dream, to which he listened, rubbed his face and beard and honestly and truly –said ‘No’, that’s not what he wanted or was in the space to receive.

Dreams shattered, Illusions gone, bubble popped.

Now what does one do in a moment of what could be described as rejection?

I had a choice, like all choices, I could choose love or fear.  I could choose rejection, drama, turmoil, to believe the thoughts “you don’t love me’ and watch my relationship crumble under the beliefs that “I’m not good enough”, or I could see love and truth.  I could see that he was telling me he loved me and that just being able to say no, is one of the most beautiful expression of love.   There is not one person in my whole family other than this man sitting in front of me, who I was safely able to say ‘no’ to and feel loved in doing so.   It is only recently that I have even been able to say the word and here I was being shown how to receive it.   I could see the illusion, I could see the completely fabricated dream that I had created and know it for exactly what it was – my misguided thoughts.  Thoughts of external validation, of ego and looking for love in external places.

Over the past 120 days I have been practicing the lessons from ‘A course in miracles’ and day by day opening to the truth of my beliefs and the truth about myself.   The course has a beautiful lesson on day 120 which states “forgiveness is the key to happiness’.   There is no error here, there is only forgiveness.  Forgiveness will correct all of my misguided thoughts and through the beautiful gift of his honesty I was able to see them.   Would any other response have shown me the truth?  Probably not.  Would any other response have shown me that my relationship is already perfect, just by existing? Probably not.  My husband, whom I have naturally referred to as my husband over the past five years, is already my husband.  We share an honest love, open and free, with no need to hide any parts of ourselves.   We are living our most perfect After.