#HeSaidNo

 Let’s admit it, as girls, we grow up with fairy-tale dreams.  As the mother of a seven-year-old daughter, I know, it starts young.   Books, stories, barbies, movies, merchandise, dress ups and mainstream media all foster ever-growing images of our own fairy tales.  To walk down the aisle in our very own princess dress, while prince charming waits adoringly at the altar, lost in the miracle of her beauty, they join hands and….. boom, magic happens.  Forever and ever and ever and ever, after.

Yesterday, I dreamed my very own fairy-tale dreams of a wedding. Of dresses, sunshine, beaches, holidays and happily ever after.  Before moving on, I need to set the picture – I’m a 37-year-old mum of two gorgeous children.  My husband …um correction, (partner) and I have been together for all of 13 years and are blissfully happy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.    Marriage has always been something that I would get to one day, a bit like my washing pile.  Something I would like to do, just other things always take a higher priority.   Not to mention that weddings always make me emotional and who could be bothered with that much organising?  Over the Christmas holidays, something changed, I started to ask myself “why not?”, “why not get married?’, “what are you waiting for girl?”, “the kids would love us to get married?” , that smooth self-talk that hooks you in and I started to imagine the perfect way that I could propose to him.   I even went as far as buying a token ring and planned to ask him with the children for his birthday.  

Now that everything is planned, I’m feeling confident, if uncomfortable and a bit yucky in the tummy, yesterday I dreamed.   I dreamed of who I would ask to stand with me, of my dress, of the perfect beach and the setting.  Who, and mostly who, I wouldn’t invite and the moment when he said “yes”.  I even had the hashtag and the Facebook post all worked out.   There would be an endless stream of ‘about time’ and ‘finally’ messages to reply to all night.   You get the picture…. The dream took on a dream of its own.   

I’m very much a heart person, and in some ways it didn’t feel right, like that niggle that annoys you and won’t go away.  I believe in universal guidance and intuition and I dedicate myself to spiritual growth and something told me this was off.  Late in the afternoon, in passing I happened to mention my proposal plan to a friend who in her wisdom gave me beautiful advice – “what if he says no?  you need to prepare yourself for that”

Absorbing her words, I felt that she was right, that my whole hair brained idea that I had spun around proposing, didn’t match our relationship, or the natural bond between us.   It wasn’t our beautiful free flowing relationship and had never been.   Following that guidance, I choose to sit quietly with him and tell him of my idea and what I had planned and the dream, to which he listened, rubbed his face and beard and honestly and truly –said ‘No’, that’s not what he wanted or was in the space to receive.

Dreams shattered, Illusions gone, bubble popped.

Now what does one do in a moment of what could be described as rejection?

I had a choice, like all choices, I could choose love or fear.  I could choose rejection, drama, turmoil, to believe the thoughts “you don’t love me’ and watch my relationship crumble under the beliefs that “I’m not good enough”, or I could see love and truth.  I could see that he was telling me he loved me and that just being able to say no, is one of the most beautiful expression of love.   There is not one person in my whole family other than this man sitting in front of me, who I was safely able to say ‘no’ to and feel loved in doing so.   It is only recently that I have even been able to say the word and here I was being shown how to receive it.   I could see the illusion, I could see the completely fabricated dream that I had created and know it for exactly what it was – my misguided thoughts.  Thoughts of external validation, of ego and looking for love in external places.

Over the past 120 days I have been practicing the lessons from ‘A course in miracles’ and day by day opening to the truth of my beliefs and the truth about myself.   The course has a beautiful lesson on day 120 which states “forgiveness is the key to happiness’.   There is no error here, there is only forgiveness.  Forgiveness will correct all of my misguided thoughts and through the beautiful gift of his honesty I was able to see them.   Would any other response have shown me the truth?  Probably not.  Would any other response have shown me that my relationship is already perfect, just by existing? Probably not.  My husband, whom I have naturally referred to as my husband over the past five years, is already my husband.  We share an honest love, open and free, with no need to hide any parts of ourselves.   We are living our most perfect After.