Today I cried

 

I sat in the car at 8.55 outside my work place and cried for a 10 solid minutes.   I cried tears of beauty, tears of change, tears of knowing and tears of “I don’t want to be like this anymore” and tears of “I’m ready to change”

Why you ask?

I could easily externalise everything and say it’s the constant stress of the morning, the stress of being a working mum, of trying to dress, feed and organise children who want to play instead of joining the incessant routine of outside life.  i.e getting ready for school.   I could say its nagging or fighting, I do like to say my daughter and I fight, when in truth she is my teacher, asking me everyday the same truth in the simple questions that I have so long ignored, it goes something like this, why do I have to go to school?, I don’t want to go to school. Why do I have to get dressed? Why do I have to eat breakfast? I’m not hungry, I’m not ready, I don’t want too, so simple and so truthful, and yet I force, I apply pressure, I growl, I express frustration and eventually I get her to school.   I  so often use the hollow response – because I have to go to work, because you love school, because school is the best years of your life or you will have fun when you get there.  After which I’m usually saying to myself – do I believe that, is that really true and that I would like to play too.

The truth, the real, serious, can’t be denied truth of why I cried, is the overwhelming realisation that it is I who need to change.  For things around me to change, it is I who need to change.   Change your thoughts, change your experience.    I recently had the pleasure of watching “The Shift” movie by Wayne Dyer and many things hit home and one truth in particular where he compares life to an orange – if you squeeze it, orange juice comes out, because that’s what’s inside.   What comes out is what is inside of you.    What came out this morning was the realisation that life is beautiful, life is happy, life is amazing and blissful, yet when I am squeezed by whatever the stress, what comes out.   Frustration, fight, resistance, tears, my resistance to who I want to be by who I currently am – I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to be afraid anymore.  That surrender that spiritual leaders refer too that I have said for many years – I don’t know what that means, how do you surrender – In the car this morning, I finally understood.   Is surrendering to a way of being, to letting go of the fight, to letting things be without trying to control them, to realising that I don’t need the fight, I don’t want to fight,  I don’t need to struggle and that there is a whole much bigger universal order of things.   The universe takes care of everything, why do I need to interfere, and deep down inside the knowing that it is I who need to change.