Change

I’m finally making changes in my life! 

Some little, some big and some of the more profound “Wow, I never thought I would ever do that” assortment.

I’m cleaning out my wardrobe – I’ve put on weight – I’ve stopped compulsively online shopping, I’ve even made a start on saving some money and I’ve started saying “No”.

These changes may seem relatively small, yet each one represents an integral part of my life where I felt completely stuck.   I longed to change, I could see the behavioural patterns.   I would even go as far as trying to change them, succeed for a while, then, over time, slowly revert back to my old ways.  I lived firmly on the roundabout of self-guilt, self-punishment and feeling a failure.

Each of these changes, however small or momentously huge represents an area in my-self, where I felt “not good enough”, “a failure”, “not allowed” or “a mess”, “maybe even completely fucked up”.  

It represented and area of past hurt where I, (feeling unable to cope with the emotions at the time) completely ignored them.  Instead choosing to deny and repress the hurt, shame, guilt, blame and all the ways that I felt I was somehow unlovable.

These unexpressed emotions stayed with me in the form of behavioural patterns that I continued to repeat, over and over and over in every area of my life.

These behavioural patterns were well disguised, very clever and for a long time I believed they were of help.

They looked a little like this

-   Believing that I always had to be strong – “You’re the strong one”, “you have to be strong”, “we need you”.  Basically meant that I ignored everything.  I ignored myself and my needs in every aspect of my life completely.  I became a gym junkie and got really strong, I once described to someone in the gym when they asked me why I worked so hard “that it was because I wanted to be so tired that I couldn’t feel” ….. now that’s a dousy.    I believed that being strong meant ignoring everything in my life.  I completely misinterpreted the meaning of strength, and as a result I lived in ignorance to myself.    This pattern was on repeat in every area of my life – ignore my emotions, ignore my finances, ignore my health, ignore my physical pain, ignore my hurt… on and on and on…..

-   No,  didn’t exist in my vocabulary – I constantly took on the role of being the saviour.   When underneath it all, I didn’t want too.  I longed to say No.  I longed to scream it from the top of the highest mountain. Denying this feeling through guilt or feelings of “I have too” caused feelings of resentment etc which I then took out on myself – self-punishment 101.

-   I would shop online constantly – browsing ebay for stand out bargains which I couldn’t afford and ignoring that I couldn’t afford them.  – people said nice things and were nice to me when I wore cool clothes and it gave me a high – a five second release from ignoring myself.

-       Being a victim – I had a shit childhood, this happened, it’s all because of this…  actually it’s not.  I am just choosing to feel that it is.

So how did I change these patterns?   I took a leap of faith in the direction of Tamra Mercica and the spiritual teachings of Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie.

Tamra, I worked with personally in a one on one program and then again through her life changing remarkable relationships course.   (www.gettingnaked.com.au) 

Tamra is not a life coach, she is a return to self.

Tamra’s teachings taught me how to listen.   To pay attention and to question. To listen to my inner voice, pay attention to my feelings, emotions and behaviours and to question my thoughts and beliefs about everything.  When we pay attention – we begin to listen to our inner voice.  

We learn from a very young age to deny our self, to deny self-expression, self-belief, self-love and the very nature of self.   All the while replacing it with a whole range of self-deprecating behaviours.  

We learn restriction, we learn how not to express ourselves in the ways our bodies ask us too.   We deny self and all the while punish ourselves for it.   We eat, exercise, medicate, distract and try just about anything to not feel what is our most natural way of being.

Giving my-self permission has allowed these behavioural patterns to simply fall away.   To naturally dissolve and simple cease to be. I am allowed. I am allowed to feel, I am allowed to cry, I am allowed to follow my heart.  I am allowed to say no and I am allowed to be.  In listening to my inner voice and allowing whatever is occurring in that moment.   This change from restricting and ignoring to listening and allowing has meant that I simply have no need of these old patterns. 

Change then flows onto every area of my life.  I’m cleaning out my wardrobe because I am allowed to let go.   I’ve put on weight because I am allowed to listen to my body’s needs.  I’ve stopped compulsive shopping because I am allowed to love myself and I’ve started saying no because I am allowed to listen to my inner voice and choose for my-self.

Change is natural, it is the very nature of the universe.   I’ve stopped resisting change and like the stream, I’m allowing it to flow of its own accord.  I don’t need to drive it, I simply need to get out of my own way and allow it.  I’m allowing my life to rebalance and I’m letting go of needing to believe in “should be’s”

I once believed strength was found in resistance, now I know, the greatest strength is found in simply allowing things to be.