59

Last Friday my dad turned 59.

59….. really? No way?

59…. Cant be?

59…. seriously?  When did that happen?

My very existence seems to reject the thought of my Dad celebrating his 59th birthday? Reality check – big time!

Out of what seems like a freight train to nowhere, screams the question, when did this happen and why does a simple birthday trigger such an immense whirlpool of emotions?

Deep inside my thoughts, a key turns, sticks a bit, wobbles some more and then click, something unlocks. A realisation, prefect synchronicity, gently guiding the way.

All the pieces move, rotate and turn, not quite reaching that perfect alignment but close enough to begin to allow themselves to be felt .   Its still out of reach, there, but not there, brief moments, a glimpse and then gone. A gentle wisp of a whisper, then gone.

I find myself writing on his birthday card, “to the most wonderful, amazing, perfect and fabulous dad a girl could ever wish for!”

My inner child isn't just speaking, she’s screaming.

Like so many relationships in my life, Dad and I have drifted.  Our relationship evolving slowly, seemingly at a snails pace, yet somehow over the years the snails pace of continental drift navigated an ocean.

Simple things changed, life evolved and we slowly moved in different directions.   Basically I grew up, left home and became a mum.  Dad remarried and we both started moved on. Dreams came and went and what was once, became something else.

We celebrated his birthday with a quiet family dinner, intimate and in great comfort.  The whispers niggled, came, went, touched and constantly nudged.  Pulling gently in the direction of knowing there is something more. 

I am a student in a course of miracles and the lesson of today ( number 122 ) states “forgiveness offers everything I want”.   This morning the niggling remained, my thoughts drifting too and always coming back to my dad turning 59.   In the shower following a simple meditation,  I allowed my mind to drift over these words “forgiveness offers everything I want”, a gentle pull “I want”, again “what do I want” and the response, so gentle, so quiet, so simple and so young, so very very young “I want it all to be over”

The whispers, the truth, the hidden door, flung open, the profound simplicity of a child's wants,  truth, hurt, shame, anger all there, allowed.

Now before jumping to thoughts that I’m suicidal, This truth requires some explaining.  A brief history of how and why it all comes together to fit with my relationship with my dad.    I, correction, we, as well as being parent and child were thrown together, as only those who have lived with and through illness know,  through life changing, knock you for six, what the hell just happened moments.

When I was 7, what was once a loving home, was instantly transformed upside down, vertically around, and from here to there by my mums onset of illness.  Life stopped, spun out of control,  rearranged itself, then after a while,  turned around and became something else.  We were, along with my two infant brothers, side swiped, completely unawares into a constant roller coaster life of turmoil, drama, illness, upset and uncertainty.  Laughter, fun and adventure dissolved into anxiety, fear and chaos.

In a way my childhood ended that day.  I, beside dad, took on the role of support person, big sister and caretaker. Through all of this dad was always a foundation.  No one new what was going on, or what would happen yet he was there, calm, consistent, and rock solid.  He took as much as we did and we learned this quiet support, unspoken, and loving comfort in just having the other person there. 

“Forgiveness offers everything I want”, my inner child screams, cries, yells  “I want it all to be over” – I want the turmoil, the conflict, the drama, the attacks, the fear and the hurt to be over.  I want to forgive the past, the uncertainty and the anger and let it all go.  I want to be free.

I want to be free of always being on guard, of never knowing when or where the next attack would come from, free of waiting for the next hurt and free of having to clean up the mess.  I want to be free of always being the strong one, free of pretending I’m always ok, free of pretending that it didn’t hurt and that I'm fine, free of putting on a brave face and keeping on.  No more, “Chin up girl, your mum needs you’s”.

Underneath all of that, I want to be free to have a relationship with my Dad.   Without all of the hurt, pain and turmoil. 

What would that relationship be like?  I guess I’m about to find out.

"Yesterday I was a Dancer"

 

I wanted to start this post with the bold, gorgeous, dreams fulfilled title -  “I am a Dancer”,  - but the truth is “yesterday, I was a dancer.”  Today, Today I am not more or less, I am simply….. being. 

In many ways dancing was my beginning.   The very u-turn I needed to start the journey home to myself.   The permission space perfectly suited to allowing myself to heal, to let go and to welcome growth.  Dancing challenged every part of my being; it challenged my thinking, my beliefs, my perception, my body, my desires and my very idea of self.   It allowed me space to dream, to follow my dream and succeed. It was my own personalised vehicle specifically designed to break old patterns, grow in self confidence and pick up the broken pieces of my once shattered self belief.  Dancing was and will always be my healer.  A love and passion felt in the very depths of my being, intrinsic and whole. A most beautiful, feminine, natural and flowing part of me.

Dancing taught me that my body is my most natural, patient and loving teacher.   A new way to receiving and seeing myself.  Years previously I had only thought of my body as something to be trained, overcome, controlled, shaped, pushed and in a most unloving way punished.  Dance taught me love, respect and self acceptance. Dance showed me how to connect to my body and to listen to her.  To listen and awaken to her natural rhythms, to feel, flow and communicate.  To journey within, to allow and to follow the natural voice of wisdom flowing within all of us.  

Most recently that very internal wisdom that dance awaked in me began asking me to let go of the very healer that brought me here.  To allow dance to naturally leave my life, at least for now, and to let go of the egoic dreams of trophies, competitions and success.  The message was loud, clear and precise, “you have all that you need” 

It asked me to relax and to stop clinging to the vehicle, to allow and trust the natural flow of life. To allow change and to follow the internal desire to explore further self expression.  To write, to heal even deeper, to sing, to meditate and to try something new.  Get out there girl, and grow.

Change, is like a big black hole that hangs over us.   Why do we so desperately fear it? Why do we cling to things we know as if our very existence depends upon it? Am I any less because I no longer have it? Is my value any different to what it was yesterday?  Dance taught me to value change, to want it and to accept it as part of the natural process, yet when guided to leave dance, I cling to the edges afraid of attempting to fly.

We are born to this world embracing change.  Yet somewhere along the way we change.    We become fearful of the unknown, we cling to what has become comfortable, regular and known.   When does this natural inquisitiveness and the complete acceptance of change fade away?

In truth we are change, we are changing in every second of every day and so too is everything around us.  I like to think of change as the natural creative flow of the universe, creating in every fraction of every measurable piece of a moment.  Change is our natural state of being, we are constantly creating, we are constantly changing. We are change.  So here goes  - “Yesterday I was a dancer, today, today I am change.” Today I am simply allowing, embracing and surrendering.  Allowing my inner voice to guide the way.  Today I jump, today I surrender:  wings – show me what you’ve got.

 

#HeSaidNo

 Let’s admit it, as girls, we grow up with fairy-tale dreams.  As the mother of a seven-year-old daughter, I know, it starts young.   Books, stories, barbies, movies, merchandise, dress ups and mainstream media all foster ever-growing images of our own fairy tales.  To walk down the aisle in our very own princess dress, while prince charming waits adoringly at the altar, lost in the miracle of her beauty, they join hands and….. boom, magic happens.  Forever and ever and ever and ever, after.

Yesterday, I dreamed my very own fairy-tale dreams of a wedding. Of dresses, sunshine, beaches, holidays and happily ever after.  Before moving on, I need to set the picture – I’m a 37-year-old mum of two gorgeous children.  My husband …um correction, (partner) and I have been together for all of 13 years and are blissfully happy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.    Marriage has always been something that I would get to one day, a bit like my washing pile.  Something I would like to do, just other things always take a higher priority.   Not to mention that weddings always make me emotional and who could be bothered with that much organising?  Over the Christmas holidays, something changed, I started to ask myself “why not?”, “why not get married?’, “what are you waiting for girl?”, “the kids would love us to get married?” , that smooth self-talk that hooks you in and I started to imagine the perfect way that I could propose to him.   I even went as far as buying a token ring and planned to ask him with the children for his birthday.  

Now that everything is planned, I’m feeling confident, if uncomfortable and a bit yucky in the tummy, yesterday I dreamed.   I dreamed of who I would ask to stand with me, of my dress, of the perfect beach and the setting.  Who, and mostly who, I wouldn’t invite and the moment when he said “yes”.  I even had the hashtag and the Facebook post all worked out.   There would be an endless stream of ‘about time’ and ‘finally’ messages to reply to all night.   You get the picture…. The dream took on a dream of its own.   

I’m very much a heart person, and in some ways it didn’t feel right, like that niggle that annoys you and won’t go away.  I believe in universal guidance and intuition and I dedicate myself to spiritual growth and something told me this was off.  Late in the afternoon, in passing I happened to mention my proposal plan to a friend who in her wisdom gave me beautiful advice – “what if he says no?  you need to prepare yourself for that”

Absorbing her words, I felt that she was right, that my whole hair brained idea that I had spun around proposing, didn’t match our relationship, or the natural bond between us.   It wasn’t our beautiful free flowing relationship and had never been.   Following that guidance, I choose to sit quietly with him and tell him of my idea and what I had planned and the dream, to which he listened, rubbed his face and beard and honestly and truly –said ‘No’, that’s not what he wanted or was in the space to receive.

Dreams shattered, Illusions gone, bubble popped.

Now what does one do in a moment of what could be described as rejection?

I had a choice, like all choices, I could choose love or fear.  I could choose rejection, drama, turmoil, to believe the thoughts “you don’t love me’ and watch my relationship crumble under the beliefs that “I’m not good enough”, or I could see love and truth.  I could see that he was telling me he loved me and that just being able to say no, is one of the most beautiful expression of love.   There is not one person in my whole family other than this man sitting in front of me, who I was safely able to say ‘no’ to and feel loved in doing so.   It is only recently that I have even been able to say the word and here I was being shown how to receive it.   I could see the illusion, I could see the completely fabricated dream that I had created and know it for exactly what it was – my misguided thoughts.  Thoughts of external validation, of ego and looking for love in external places.

Over the past 120 days I have been practicing the lessons from ‘A course in miracles’ and day by day opening to the truth of my beliefs and the truth about myself.   The course has a beautiful lesson on day 120 which states “forgiveness is the key to happiness’.   There is no error here, there is only forgiveness.  Forgiveness will correct all of my misguided thoughts and through the beautiful gift of his honesty I was able to see them.   Would any other response have shown me the truth?  Probably not.  Would any other response have shown me that my relationship is already perfect, just by existing? Probably not.  My husband, whom I have naturally referred to as my husband over the past five years, is already my husband.  We share an honest love, open and free, with no need to hide any parts of ourselves.   We are living our most perfect After.  

 

 

Loving your womb – a collection of resources from my healing journey with endometriosis, which continues to expand in love every day.

 

Healing endometriosis is a journey of self love, a return to loving yourself, loving who you are and being at peace with you.   It is an individual journey and a beautiful teacher.  The journey will take you to some unexpected places and reveal much of what we choose not to see.  Love yourself, love your journey and come home to you.

Below is a very brief but intensive list of the practices I have explored and come to love through my own journey into my womb.

Resources

1. Books
   1. Reclaiming women’s voice by Lesley Irene Shore – out of print but available second hand on www.biblio.com   
   2. Loving your mother without losing your mind – H Norman Wright
   3. Heal your life – Louise Hay
   4. A return to love – Marianne Williamson – very spiritual
   5. Heart of the flower – a book of yonis http://www.onelove.net.au/the-book/
   6. Vagina – Naomi Wolf
       
2. Herbs
   1. http://www.herbosophy.com.au/4-her-blend/ women’s blend of ayervadic herbs
   2. http://www.herbosophy.com.au/triphala/ - for bowel health, balance and easing the  bloating and constipation
       
3. Self-Massage – massage your body parts while saying nice things about them to yourself.   I love the feel of my skin, I love my toes, I love my legs, hips etc
    
4. Love journal
   1. Every night before going to bed write down three things you love about yourself.  I love my …………..
       
5. Castor oil packs
   1. Dissolves ovarian cysts, softens scar tissue, heals the bowel and boosts the immune system http://peacewithendo.com/2014/01/castor-oil-packs-for-endometriosis.html
       
6. Diet – try eliminating wheat and gluten for one whole cycle, if you notice a different keep the change
    
7. Rad pads
   1. Cloth menstrual pads  http://www.rad-pads.com/home.php - freeing yourself of tampons and toxic female products
       
8. Cycle tracking – connecting your cycle with the moon
   1. Moon cycle tracking journals http://www.moonsong.com.au/ website also has some extraordinary articles the seasons of menstruation http://www.moonsong.com.au/the-spiritual-practice-of-menstruation/
       
9. Emotional healing
   1. Chakra dance http://www.chakradance.com/the-chakradance-practice
   2. Meditation – guided if you prefer
   3. Journaling ( a must ) – letting go letters – write down a letter to whatever you want to let go of and then burn it.
   4. Yoga
   5. Self-forgiveness
   6. Healing the shame – first book – reclaiming women’s voice talks a lot about this, you will find shame in body parts that resist the most – and in your I cants
   7. Pay attention to where you fight your body – where you want it to change – hair, eyes, looks etc.
       
10. Mirror work – look at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you” –Louise hay books
     
11. Amalgam filling removal and 12 month mercury detox program
    1. http://www.endoempowered.com/could-endometriosis-all-have-started-because-of-our-teeth-am-i-being-serious-hear-me-out/
    2. Chlorella supplement to draw out mercury and other heavy metals from the tissues of the body
        
12. Oil pulling – swishing coconut oil around in your mouth and drawing between your teeth for a period of 20 mins to pull toxins out of the mouth and body.
     
13. Pleasure practice – what gives you pleasure?  What does pleasure mean to you? How are you allowing pleasure into your life? What did you love doing as a child that made you forget about everything else?
     
14. Vocalising – the muscles of the jaw / mouth and your vagina are directly connected.  Biologically your vagina and mouth are the same, just at different ends of your body.   Singers are taught to relax their vagina to relax the muscles of the throat.   The sounds “a,e,i,o,u” which are the basis or all language are referred too as sacral sounds and originate from the sacral chakra.   Our centre of feeling and emotion.   Relaxing the jaw and releasing tension in the throat allows the vagina to relax.   Making sounds is also very important – singing is a great practice to get in touch with the womb and our inner worlds.
     
15. Belief clearing
     
    1. One thing we all need to do is to clear all the old negative beliefs and patterns from the subconscious mind.  The subconscious is a powerful mind but it is a non-reasoning mind. Your conscious mind must be in charge of the subconscious and clearly choose what beliefs and thoughts you want to store in it.
       As a child you just accepted and took in all the thoughts and beliefs that were around from your parents, teachers, family, culture, religious groups, TV etc.  So your subconscious holds a lot of stuff that needs looking at and sorting and clearing.
       One main way we become aware of the contents of the subconscious mind is when we react to something.  When we react we are coming straight from the subconscious, the non-reasoning self.
    2. Affirmations – Louise hay
    3. Intentions – Wayne Dyer
    4. Belief clearing – Byron Katie – book – loving what is.
    5. Working with a coach to help clear these beliefs – Tamra Mercieca http://gettingnaked.com.au/
        
16. Jade egg – yoga for the vagina  http://gettingnaked.com.au/what-is-the-jade-egg/
     
17. Smile practice – lay down and relax, feel into your womb and then smile – let the energy of the smile fill your womb and allow your womb to smile.

Today I cried

 

I sat in the car at 8.55 outside my work place and cried for a 10 solid minutes.   I cried tears of beauty, tears of change, tears of knowing and tears of “I don’t want to be like this anymore” and tears of “I’m ready to change”

Why you ask?

I could easily externalise everything and say it’s the constant stress of the morning, the stress of being a working mum, of trying to dress, feed and organise children who want to play instead of joining the incessant routine of outside life.  i.e getting ready for school.   I could say its nagging or fighting, I do like to say my daughter and I fight, when in truth she is my teacher, asking me everyday the same truth in the simple questions that I have so long ignored, it goes something like this, why do I have to go to school?, I don’t want to go to school. Why do I have to get dressed? Why do I have to eat breakfast? I’m not hungry, I’m not ready, I don’t want too, so simple and so truthful, and yet I force, I apply pressure, I growl, I express frustration and eventually I get her to school.   I  so often use the hollow response – because I have to go to work, because you love school, because school is the best years of your life or you will have fun when you get there.  After which I’m usually saying to myself – do I believe that, is that really true and that I would like to play too.

The truth, the real, serious, can’t be denied truth of why I cried, is the overwhelming realisation that it is I who need to change.  For things around me to change, it is I who need to change.   Change your thoughts, change your experience.    I recently had the pleasure of watching “The Shift” movie by Wayne Dyer and many things hit home and one truth in particular where he compares life to an orange – if you squeeze it, orange juice comes out, because that’s what’s inside.   What comes out is what is inside of you.    What came out this morning was the realisation that life is beautiful, life is happy, life is amazing and blissful, yet when I am squeezed by whatever the stress, what comes out.   Frustration, fight, resistance, tears, my resistance to who I want to be by who I currently am – I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to be afraid anymore.  That surrender that spiritual leaders refer too that I have said for many years – I don’t know what that means, how do you surrender – In the car this morning, I finally understood.   Is surrendering to a way of being, to letting go of the fight, to letting things be without trying to control them, to realising that I don’t need the fight, I don’t want to fight,  I don’t need to struggle and that there is a whole much bigger universal order of things.   The universe takes care of everything, why do I need to interfere, and deep down inside the knowing that it is I who need to change.